A saying goes: KHUBAAK KHUNAM PUNSI NI.
One day, you feel like life is perhaps as good as it gets and are sending up your prayers of thanks. And then all of a sudden, your whole life as you know it comes crashing and you don’t even realise what hit you. And how. And why!
Oh the whys!!!! Amid the coping with the ongoing tides, the whys often wreck up whatever little resilience and common sense or coping skills that we might have garnered over the years. The gross unfairness of it all. Why me? The self-questioning. The self-blame. And then the guilt. I shouldn’t have..... I should have.... I could have.......Then the deep-rooted superstitions and age-old beliefs and Touhei-Touheidabas all suddenly seem to make sense. Then the non-consequential neighbours and neighbourhood get skyrocketed to prime importance and their opinions suddenly weigh a million tonnes. What will the Leikai think, for God’s sake? With so much confusion, it’s only natural that the Depressive triad follows suit- feeling worthless, hopeless and helpless. Then the death wishes, self-harm behaviour or unhealthy coping methods of substance abuse or falling prey to other addictions.
So when in distress, what do we do? We dance. We dance our heart out. We dance so much until the menacing tears turn into rivers of sweat and wash off all the pain and the questions. We dance until we are so tired to even think what our Neighbour 1 or Neighbour 2 may think about our current state of affairs. We swing it out so that we sleep better at night and we can feel the hunger pangs. Lack of appetite and sleeplessness are the most common symptoms in most psychiatric conditions and often the most distressing. These two sorted, the major roadblocks are already cleared. And then, we wait. Time heals. Cliché but so true. The open gaping wounds do fill up, the muddled mind does clear up and the dull ache where the heart is placed vanishes in time. It all makes sense after a while and you are able to look back at what happened without the distress and the ache and shock. Yes, unbelievably but the pain wears off and you are able to look back with insight. And move forward.
And there’s a scientific basis to this:
Zumba works great on the metabolism, improves memory functions, social and interpersonal skills, brings psychological and physiological well-being, improves the functioning of the heart and one’s energy levels. What more, it also seems to work in Metabolic syndrome, Diabetes, Parkinson’s disease, Menopause, Pain management, amongst other things. Says, not me but dozens of scientific indexed articles that you would find on the internet on the topic. But please remember, this has to be an adjuvant and do not try without consulting your doctor first. And no self-style either!
So to put it all in a nutshell, when disaster strikes, try and strike back. As the famous Sir Ronan Keating (of Boyzone Fame) once said: “When the going gets tough, the tough gets going!” So toughen up. It may seem impossible and improbable but yes, you can. We all have a Yin and a Yan in us. A wimpy weepy weakling and the tougher-than-a-nut avatar. Lock away the weakling for movie nights and bring out the toughie.
A few guidelines:
The To-Dos!
- Find that village:
Team work always lighten the load. And may even make the healing process fun. So pick that phone. Call that bestie you haven’t spoken to in ages. Book a therapy session if you feel that your friends or family may not understand. Or you are simply not ready to share yet.
- Postpone the autopsy
No one is actually licensed to conduct a psychological autopsy on what went wrong and what could have been done better. Yes, sorry to break it up to you but that all-knowing-Aunty or your smart-ass BFF who seem to have it all sorted are also included. It will unnecessarily create more negativity and create fodder for more heartache and gossip/ discussion. Unless they have a degree in Psychotherapy and decades of experience. So journal away, pour it all out in your Agony diary until it hurts less and self-reflect.
- Pursue thy interest
Diversify. You are so much more than a broken heart. Pursue your hobbies. Find a nearest book club. Find those dusty canvases you have meaning to complete. Zumba, rock climbing, gardening, pottery, anything that gets your adrenaline pumping and gets you out of your limbo. Music is proven to be therapeutic, though the novice phase may be a little painful to your poor neighbours and family. But sharing is part of lessening the pain, so they will survive. And trust me, so will you.
- Get that adrenaline pumping
The benefits of exercise and sweating it out has been stressed often enough. Exercising strengthens, releases endorphins, oxytocins and all the happy hormones, improves your metabolism, immune system, sleep and washes away the aches and pains that often accompany Psychosomatic stress.
- Ventilate, purge it all out of your system
Bottling up does not help. So get it out of your system, praying, journaling, sharing with confidantes and family (who would be empathetic) and therapy will heal.
- Love yourself
Justin Beiber cannot be wrong, right?
The Don’ts!
- Analyse and review and preview
- Overthinking and over-sharing
- Inactivity
- Self-medication
- Displacement- so no rebound, no grouchy Scrooge and no slacking off work and responsibilities.
- Addictions- be it alcohol, smoking, gaming or even K-Drama.
- Self blame and self harm
Humans are resilient creatures and resilience our key to survival. The human brain is a wonderfully complex structure and the instinct of self-preservation is deeply rooted in the human psyche. Like the physical body has the Immune System as its Fairy God-mother while in distress, the mind had the Defense mechanisms. These are a set of actions, thought patterns and behaviors that people use to separate themselves from harmful thoughts, events or actions. We use it to distance ouselves from unwanted feelings and threats. The idea dates back to the early 20th century to Sigmund Freud, who is like the Amitabh Bachan of Psychology. Like we have habits, there are healthy and unhealthy defense mechanisms. Some good ones, if used correctly, are:
Compartmentalization
-this can be an effective way to manage multiple stressors if done in a healthy way. It involves a person separating their life into independent sectors to keep stress from one part of their life from leaking into the other parts. This is like the theory of Mindfulness, which also encourage us to do one thing at a time for a healthier and less stressful living.
Intellectualization
-this involves focusing on the intellectual rather than emotional consequences of a situation. This removal of all emotions allows a person to use reason and logic in order to avoid anxiety-inducing or uncomfortable situations.
Sublimation
-this can be positive if utilized in a healthy way. A person can channel their socially unacceptable impulses or behaviors into socially acceptable actions and behaviors. Fro instance, in people who suffer from addiction, either substance or behavioural, they can channel their negative urges into things such as exercise and other physical activities.
LOL. Acronym for LAUGH OUT LOUD. Another school of thought says LOTS OF LOVE. Both work here, in this case.
Spirituality and I stress, not superstition, heals. Spirituality empowers. Superstition creates fear and more questions.
A couple in Mumbai fill potholes every year since 2015, after they lost their only son at the age of 16 years in one of the pothole-led mishap during the dreaded monsoons. That is how they choose to heal. That is how they pay tribute to their son. And that is how they choose to move on. Altruism cannot be defined or explained better.
Life is definitely one of the biggest thrillers, each turn novel, each unique, some shocking, some wonderfully amazing. Taking it all in our stride and moving forward is the way of life.
It’s ok not to be ok. Just don’t give up.
